To get rid this anxiety...

Trying new things. Like yesterday I noticed that I felt better without the nicotine patch. So I took it off completely.

Still some "butterfly in the stomach" feelings, but not nearly as much.

Read online that being addicted to Xanax can cause anxiety when it wears off. So you might not know the difference between "Xanax is helping me" and "I feel better because I'm feeding the addiction."

I don't really know what causes these anxious feelings. Maybe it's also NOT smoking, not just the patch. Or maybe I'm just an anxious person.

But anxiety is uncomfortable.

Too Much Has Happened!

Wow. On November 27, Daniel Byrne, father of my three children and my ex-husband, died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 53. This has been a devastating event, especially for John, Mark and Camille, and has changed all of our lives. We had been married for 25 years, from 1983 until 2007. It has been very difficult, emotionally, for me as well.

Nothing can really follow that up, but I will go on.

Anyway, I did find out the cause of my body aches from the last post in October. I visited my family doctor, Dr. Smith, and she figured out that I had vitamin D deficiency. I have been taking vitamin D, 50,000 units a week, since November 2. In addition, I called Crate and Barrel and they actually took back my old bed in exchange for another one -- this time, a Simmons ComforPedic Loft (like a Tempurpedic). The Beautyrest I had was so stiff and hard and I believe part of the reason for my body aches. The new bed is so incredible it's even difficult to get motivated to get out of it in the morning! I actually love this bed. It's expensive, but I think since you spend so much time in bed, it's important to get a good bed. I had never thought about this before, but it's true. It really is necessary to invest in a good bed.

I am still wearing a nicotine patch. I did smoke for 8-10 days somewhere in the middle of all that, but I was so disappointed in myself and really pissed that I spent nearly $100 on cigarettes during that time. I am absolutely not motivated to smoke again, especially after seeing Daniel die at age 53. Cigarettes harm your body, and it's not just a "probability" of getting cancer or dying of a heart attack. They absolutely WILL harm your body.

Okay, so that's enough for now. Back to the grind.

The Patch -- Day Six

I don't even notice a desire for cigarettes any more, but I'm wondering if my achy body is from the patch. I've been wearing it on my upper arms, and those arms have been achy all week. So today I moved it to my lower back. I also went to the hot tub today, hoping that would help. I do feel better, but one never knows why.

A New Day

Tuesday. Third day on the patch and smoke-free. So far, so good. It sure is easier to use a crutch (like a patch) than to go cold-turkey, whew! Still feel like lighting up sometimes, more so in the afternoon/evening than in the morning, which I think is an artifact of the potency of the patch declining over its 24 hour effectiveness period. I sure do hope Camille gives this a try.

I have yet to increase my exercise level, although I've been walking the dog a bit more. It's not enough, though. I really should be wandering over to the exercise room and using the treadmill, then relaxing in the hot tub for a while after. And I should take my bike and get the tires pumped up and actually use the Sammamish Trail in back of my apartment. Getting out would be great for my health all-around, since I'd get the benefit of being out in the sun (there is sun even when it's cloudy). Might begin to break out the light box again.

Doing well!

I am feeling good. Second day of the patch. Thinking about going to a local hair place and getting my hair washed and blown dry cheap. The roots are starting to grow in and I plan to go back to Seattle to the Gary Manuel Aveda Institute to have that done next week before leaving for Florida. I can't believe it's only been three weeks since I had my hair dyed and the roots are showing again. So annoying.

The Patch: Day One

It is 8:46 pm and I haven't had a cigarette today. I woke up this morning and put on a patch. Frankly, I decided I had to catch up on my taxes, and paying for cigarettes put a crimp in that. I should have done it for my health, but I didn't. I did it to save $230 a month. I was even cheap about the patches. Instead of buying the brand-name patch, I bought the generic, Target-brand patch for half the price -- less than two packs of cigarettes for a week's supply. I had been trying to quit cold-turkey, after finding that I was unable to take the C brand pills (if I write the name, some joker will find my website and leave an advertising comment). They made me sick, and when I tried again at a lower dose, in two days I found that they were affecting my mood. I do look forward to feeling better, to having more energy, and to not feeling like I smell like smoke (let alone the stigma of smoking in the Seattle area). It's getting a little tougher now as evening rolls on -- I think the patch starts running out of steam after a while -- but I'm going to keep it on all night and put a new one on in the morning. It will be great to be a non-smoker again.

Spoke to Camille tonight and told her what I was doing. She said she couldn't afford to smoke either. I told her about the generic patches and she said she would look into it. Clearly, she also wants to be a non-smoker.

The only fly in the whole ointment is making sure I don't gain weight. I bought a scale a few weeks back and I'm going to use it daily, watch my diet, and exercise. Alas, every time I quit smoking, I gain wait. I think it's a metabolism thing. It is a real drag (but not that kind of drag!) and it's going to take focus and energy to stay slender.