blog.thenarcissistinyourlife.com: Narcissist's Damaging Verbal Abuse-No More Excuses...

I just discovered this fantastic blog about NPD:  Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  So much useful information for those of us who have been victims,

blog.thenarcissistinyourlife.com: Narcissist's Damaging Verbal Abuse-No More Excuses...: I have communicated with many women who have been subjected to severe chronic verbal abuse from their narcissistic husbands. Surprisingly a ...

No longer a doormat!

I AM NOT A DOORMAT!

I have been a doormat.  In fact, if I believed in reincarnation, I might say that I have been sent back to Earth in human form over and over to learn not to be a doormat.  How do I know this is one of my big lifetime lessons, if not the biggest?  Because I have had to learn this lesson over and over as a human in this life.  I have been a person who has--either out of ignorance of my rights, or fear of losing somebody's love, or just due to plain ole low self-esteem, and even because I'm just too darn trusting when I shouldn't be--allowed others to get their way at my expense.  In fact, I've been the kind of person who has, so to speak, been expected to bend over and take it.  And I have laid down and allowed myself to be walked on.  And I have bent over and taken it.

No more.

Over the past couple of years I have accumulated, shared and re-shared a collection of posts on Facebook that pertain to my transition out of Doormat-ness and the growth of my sense of self-worth.  I will now share some that I posted during January, 2013.  There are many more.

Probably my favorite.  I am not taking notes.

I know a couple of people who should hear this one. 

I dedicate it to one of them from both me and my mom.

Sorry but I choose not be be hurt by your craziness.

There are a heck of a lot of people who care about me and who love me the way I am. I also care about those people and love them the way they are.

The more I know about being human, the more I know that not a one of us is perfect. Most of us are neurotic messes.  A few are worth shutting the door upon.  The rest are worth loving and being with.

Another one by Jung:  "What you resist persists."   That thing that you hate in somebody else...well it's most likely yours, not theirs.  Or as they say in Transactional Analysis, "That's your shit."

Yeah, if it doesn't fit into your brain set, eliminate it. Cognitive Dissonance. Sorry you can't hear the truth.  That is your problem, not mine.  

You hate me because you hate yourself.

We are all responsible for our own lives. I am and you are. Amen.

O 

Keeping you up to date! Anew!

Oh wow.  It has been a L-O-N-G time since I updated this blog!  Lots lots lots has happened.  Let me see:

1)  I am STILL a nonsmoker!

2)  Depression and anxiety are not such big problems for me now, although I still struggle with medications and finding the right balance of supplements.

3)  I see an acupuncturist and brew Chinese medicinal herb teas and it's wonderful.  Unexpected result:  the mild sciatica I had for decades (not even knowing what it was) is GONE!  Amazing.

4)  I still work with light boxes and now have a dawn simulator but still working out the kinks.

5)  Still have my silly border collie, Ace, the rescue kitty, Kaku, and (I won't say how many) pedigree fancy show rats as well as a couple of rescues.

6)  Teaching at Bellevue College Telos, having a blast doing it, and started some freelance work through Thumbtack in December which is working out very nicely.  I'm busy busy busy.

7)  Participating in JDRF's RIde to Cure Diabetes this year!  I am committed to raising $4,000 in support for my ride with over 20 members of my NW Washington team!  So far I'm 10 percent there!

Okay, that's all for now.  If you are so inclined, please support Juvenile Diabetes Research by donating to my ride!  Thank you!

Omega 3 fatty acids

I've been using the light therapy box for 45 minutes every morning, and taking 2,000 IU of Vitamin D every day in addition to multivitamins. I've also been taking Omega 3's for several months. A couple weeks ago I upped my intake from one pill a day (about 1200 mg) to twice a day, and then realized I needed to be taking two pills twice a day with meals. Of course my bottle of 120 capsules ran out, and I had to go back to the store for more. Found a good source on sale, two bottles, total 240 capsules, 1200 mg each, with instructions to take one capsule with meals three times a day.

The information on the bottles says it's good for your heart and circulation, but it's also supposed to be good for mental health, and that's the main reason I'm taking it. It's supposed to help with depression. I don't understand the mechanism, but have a book on hold at the Redmond Library (The Omega 3 Connection by Andrew Stoll) which is supposed to be a great source on the topic. My friend Geoff also has a copy and I'm going to glance at it this afternoon when we get together to do some martial arts. Apparently one also needs to pay attention to Omega 6's -- reduce the Omega 6's in addition to upping the Omega 3's.

I might also need to cut out wheat or cut back on my grain consumption entirely. Many years ago, like late 1970's, I was told by a nutritionist who did one of those complex tests with the little spots on a grid on my back, that I had a wheat allergy, and while I paid attention to that I did pretty well. I eat a lot of wheat right now, mainly in the form of bread and Shredded Wheat cereal with milk (which the rats absolutely adore and steal like little thieves while I'm trying to eat). I think I also need to ask to see an allergist because I know I'm now allergic to sesame seeds and probably also to macadamia nuts and who knows what other nuts. I know that when I eat some of these things (including almonds and popcorn) I get sores on my tongue. I hate to ask the doc for another referral, but I do feel that I need to see an allergist. In the meantime, maybe I'll just start behaving like I've got a wheat allergy. I've already cut out the nuts and popcorn.

I really hate having to pay so much attention to my health. I spend too much time trying to figure out how to fix myself. I know antidepressants don't work, and the things you add to those just seem to cause too many side effects. So I am trying to work on the natural cures. I know one of the big things I need to do is add a lot more exercise to my routine.

But starting with focusing on the Omega 3's and reducing the Omega 6's is going to be the next step.

Progress in March 2011

I now have two freelance grant writing consulting jobs, and information on how to access more networks to increase the chances of getting interviews. I continue to apply for jobs, but there aren't always jobs available that meet my qualifications. I am still focusing on the Puget Sound area (I live -- Redmond, an eastern suburb of Seattle), but have decided to expand my search, focusing on both Florida and Washington D.C. I might also look at the Los Angeles area, although I would hate to move back there. I absolutely loathe the traffic. I am hoping to stay in this area as I love the people here, the environment, the ethnic diversity, the creativity, the intellectual and cultural atmosphere. This is by far the favorite place I have lived, except, of course, Africa.

Is it possible...

...to be so deeply depressed there's nothing you can do to pull yourself out?

Cut way back on Caffeine!

Although I had several glasses of ice tea at the Desert Fire this morning over breakfast while watching the Seahawks game, I have cut WAY back on my total caffeine consumption. I only had a couple of glasses of died Pepsi today, and the rest of the day I drank only herb teas. I have a rule now that there is no caffeine after 5:00 pm, and that means that I check the labels on the herb teas to make sure they say "decaffeinated." Right now I am drinking Red Tea from The Republic of Tea.

A few years ago my son Mark gave me a very cool pot for brewing teas. It holds enough for two big cups of tea and has a basket in which to put either a round tea bag (although the square ones also work) or loose tea leaves. I use it all the time (thank you Mark!). I also have a small collection of herb teas, most from The Republic of Tea. At some point, I'll go back to the website and get more of the decaffeinated variety, but right now I have enough to last me a few days.

I am not feeling at all affected by cutting back on caffeine. Perhaps if I cut it out entirely, I would, but I'm not doing that. I'm drinking caffeine in moderation. I'm sure it's much healthier, and maybe cutting back will help me sleep better and perhaps reduce my anxiety level?

JDRF Saturday Bike Ride -- Alas!

Went on the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation Saturday bike ride today. There were four of us -- all of us pumpers, all of us adult onset Type 1's. We started off and everything was fine, but despite the fact that I'd just taken my bike in and had a tune-up, it failed me miserably, not shifting or tough to shift. We all rode back to my car after 75 minutes and I took the bike back immediately to the shop. Turns out that the company that made the derailing system is out of business, and the whole thing would have to be replaced. And it's not worth it on this bike, which is 10 years old at least. I really need a new bike. But in the meantime, there's a JDRF bike ride group loaner that will fit me, and the leader can switch out my seat and parts on it. The other alternative is to buy a 2010 model while they are on sale. But I think I need to save my money.

Things are Changing...

This blog began primarily with a health focus, but now that I am searching for a job, I think there's going to be a bit more about that on here. The health situation has been shifting and changing too. A lot of my issues got solved with figuring out (and treating) the Vitamin D deficiency along with getting a new bed. Then I dealt with the anxiety, and now I am starting to work out on a regular basis. But it's taken -- what -- 9 months? I have to get a job, and soon, and it can't take 9 months. So there's going to be a big shift in focus.

First order of business is to get a little stop-gap job to supplement my ssdi. Then I'm going to pull out the big guns.

Monday -- busy busy

Well, I didn't have a chance to exercise today, but I have an excuse.

I got up at 7:45 this morning and was on the freeway heading for Seattle by 8:45 for my hair appointment at Gary Manuel. That went very well, quick, efficient, no errors. Was out of there at 12:00. Wandered across the street to the Elliot Bay Book Company, where I bought three books on China for Camille, to include in her box with her new Christmas boots and everything else she wants me to ship. Got hot tea and a pastry at their coffee shop, then drove a few blocks to meet with my career coach, Joe. He'd made a scheduling error, so I got to meet with him for 30 minutes, which he "comped" me -- we will meet again in a couple of weeks -- and then headed back to Redmond with some ideas and a nice haircut.

I was wiped out when I got back. Put a log on the fire, strapped on my iPod, and listened to a relaxation podcast -- was out like a light for an hour. Then it was time to go pick up the Freecycle lamps. But the woman had given me the wrong address, and I ended up coming back home to find out what happened. We will try that one again in daylight tomorrow.

The rats are out on the sofa running around. I had a couple of hot dogs for dinner and they relished stealing pieces of those. In half an hour there's the rat hoarding situation on Hoarders, and all my rat friends and I are going to tune into that.

I have some urgent things I still need to finish tonight, and I really should work on resumes, cover letters, and applying for jobs. I might do that for an hour before taking a hot bath and going to bed with the relaxation podcasts. That routine seems to work great for getting to sleep (finally!).

No anxiety. The pills are working.

Getting Lamps through Freecycle!

This is the third month I have put an ad up on Freecycle looking for lamps -- and guess what! I got two responses (so far). One person has several lamps and they live nearby in Redmond, and the second has two lamps and they're not far off in Woodinville. Through last month's ad I got a bedside table lamp, but it's small and doesn't provide much light (alas). But it was better than the one I had been using, which was practically useless.

Now I need bedside tables.

First order of business for the weekend...

...to take drastic steps toward getting a job that pays exactly $720 a month, with a slight (but not extreme) challenge, leaving lots of spare time for searching for that ideal professional position that is the real goal. I'm thinking: law office.

$720 is the limit for social security disability/survivor benefits, without risking getting into that "trial period" category. I'm going to need the trial period category down the line just in case.

Finally a Solution!

My therapist says "It's like night and day." That's been the effect of the Klonopin. I haven't had anxiety since I started taking it yesterday afternoon, and I've actually been able to get stuff done today. It's amazing. I hope it continues to work and doesn't wear off or lose effectiveness over time. At this point, I'm not even sure I need to see a psychiatrist. I don't want to get back on that treadmill!

Anxiety -- again

Saw my doctor and she prescribed me another anti-anxiety med, but Puget Sound Health Partners doesn't even cover the generic on "this category of drug." What -- you can't have anxiety with this health insurance? Grrrrr.

She's given me Klonopin (generic=Clonazepam). We also decided I would find a psychiatrist. Got the list of psychiatrists with this plan. Gosh, there are only a couple of pages of them for the whole state of Washington, and only one in Bellevue. I've called her and left a message.

Gotta get past THIS phase of my life...

To get rid this anxiety...

Trying new things. Like yesterday I noticed that I felt better without the nicotine patch. So I took it off completely.

Still some "butterfly in the stomach" feelings, but not nearly as much.

Read online that being addicted to Xanax can cause anxiety when it wears off. So you might not know the difference between "Xanax is helping me" and "I feel better because I'm feeding the addiction."

I don't really know what causes these anxious feelings. Maybe it's also NOT smoking, not just the patch. Or maybe I'm just an anxious person.

But anxiety is uncomfortable.

Great time at the "Brights" Meetup in Bellevue tonight!

I go to a Meetup of "Brights." What are Brights? It's an international movement with the following characteristics:

* A bright is a person who has a naturalistic worldview
* A bright's worldview is free of supernatural and mystical elements
* The ethics and actions of a bright are based on a naturalistic worldview

There's no way to "join" the Brights, but you can "register" as a Bright (just for the number's sake) at the website:

The Brights

Anyway, I had a great time tonight. Geoff, an experimental psychologist on contract to Microsoft, is the discussion leader, and he's great. We started off going around the room talking about our plans for the new year (2011), and it's amazing how many of us are in precarious financial positions. Nobody is very positive about the long-term prospects for the economy, unfortunately. We then segued into an interesting discussion of politics and corporate corruption. Our political affiliations vary within the group, but we all agree on the basics. I'm going to stay in this group and keep attending the first Monday of every month. This may be the fifth or so meeting I've been to.

Didn't get my bike to the shop today...

...but I did a few other things, including contacting a career coach and looking at some job prospects at WorkSource. There's one that looks absolutely perfect for me, and I'm going to see about applying for it tomorrow.

There's a "Bright's" Meetup tonight in Bellevue. Going to that (thinking about taking a bucket of KFC along to share), seeing my family practice doctor tomorrow, telephone consult with the career coach tomorrow afternoon, consulting with a collections attorney on Wednesday, meeting with John Wednesday evening, meeting a new "UFO" friend Thursday, and hopefully seeing my therapist on Friday. Plus, lots of errands to do, and lists to make, and things to follow up on. Very, very busy and I don't even have a job.

Getting Ready for Cold-Weather Biking

Okay, I've decided to get my bike into shape so I can get out there and actually use those Redmond bike paths. So tomorrow, the bike is going into the car and to the bike shop for air in tires (I've never figured out how to do this myself, and I do have a pump, which I might take along for instructions!). Might also see what else I need to do to the bike. It's been outside on the patio and unused for a few months.

However, dressing for cold-weather biking -- like in the 30's and low 40's with some snow and ice on the ground -- is going to be a new experience for me. I've been doing some online reading about layers, head and ear covering, gloves, etc. I think I can get a cold-weather biking outfit together pretty easily with minimal expenditure.

Hey, it might be cheaper than a psychiatrist and anti-depressants.

It's 5:01 am...

...and Twilight Zone is on (the old black-and-white ones). I haven't slept and I don't feel sleepy, so I think I'm going to start my day pretty soon and see if I can get to sleep early tonight. Get back on schedule, hopefully.

New Health Insurance: Puget Sound Health Partners

I got new health insurance through Puget Sound Health Partners. It is more expensive than what I had, and it doesn't seem to cover any more -- in fact it looks like meds might be even more expensive -- but my agent recommended it. I can try it for a year until the next open enrollment period. We'll see.

Too Much Has Happened!

Wow. On November 27, Daniel Byrne, father of my three children and my ex-husband, died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 53. This has been a devastating event, especially for John, Mark and Camille, and has changed all of our lives. We had been married for 25 years, from 1983 until 2007. It has been very difficult, emotionally, for me as well.

Nothing can really follow that up, but I will go on.

Anyway, I did find out the cause of my body aches from the last post in October. I visited my family doctor, Dr. Smith, and she figured out that I had vitamin D deficiency. I have been taking vitamin D, 50,000 units a week, since November 2. In addition, I called Crate and Barrel and they actually took back my old bed in exchange for another one -- this time, a Simmons ComforPedic Loft (like a Tempurpedic). The Beautyrest I had was so stiff and hard and I believe part of the reason for my body aches. The new bed is so incredible it's even difficult to get motivated to get out of it in the morning! I actually love this bed. It's expensive, but I think since you spend so much time in bed, it's important to get a good bed. I had never thought about this before, but it's true. It really is necessary to invest in a good bed.

I am still wearing a nicotine patch. I did smoke for 8-10 days somewhere in the middle of all that, but I was so disappointed in myself and really pissed that I spent nearly $100 on cigarettes during that time. I am absolutely not motivated to smoke again, especially after seeing Daniel die at age 53. Cigarettes harm your body, and it's not just a "probability" of getting cancer or dying of a heart attack. They absolutely WILL harm your body.

Okay, so that's enough for now. Back to the grind.

The Patch -- Day Six

I don't even notice a desire for cigarettes any more, but I'm wondering if my achy body is from the patch. I've been wearing it on my upper arms, and those arms have been achy all week. So today I moved it to my lower back. I also went to the hot tub today, hoping that would help. I do feel better, but one never knows why.

The Patch -- Day Three

Day three of the patch is almost over and again I made it. It still seems to be wearing off in the afternoon/evening, but I'm generally okay in the morning and have no trouble avoiding the smoke until after the new patch is on. I do think I am dreaming more -- the box warns against vivid dreams -- but nothing to get worried about. Although I'm walking the dog a bit more, I really need to get the exercise increase going.

Today is the first day my expenditure on the patch is made up for by lack of expenditure on cigarettes. Hurray!!!!

Is my endocrinologist covered?

Received a bill from the endocrinologist's office. It looks like my stupid insurance company didn't cover the charges -- $533.80. I also saw him a second time and am scheduled to go back in two months. Plus, I need the flu shot. I have the WORST insurance company in this history of the planet. I am hoping this is just an interim bill showing that they billed the company. Hope hope hope! Will call tomorrow and find out. In the meantime, need a new insurance company. Grrrrrr.

UPDATE Friday October 15, 2010: Called the endocrinologist's office. They are going to resubmit the charge using a different code. Hope that works! I can't believe they would deny coverage to a diabetic. This company is really dishonest.

Getting new health insurance

I'm looking into health, dental, vision and long-term care insurance. The medical policy I have now is ending and I need to replace it by December 31. I don't have dental and I really feel I need to get long-term care insurance. I've got two women who specialize in these things looking into it for me. The long-term care lady called me back this morning, and I'm probably going to hear from her again before the day is out. I would like to start these things next year as I plan to itemize deductions next year. I am tired of not having good insurance. It's a real drag.

More anxiety today...

...and an aching body. I need to figure out some natural means to get rid of these symptoms. I took two Xanax (generic), .5 mg each, and I feel a little dizzy and out of it. I also took two ibuprofen. I am sick and tired of anxiety.

There was no mail Monday. I went to the mailbox three times and couldn't figure it out. Turned out it was Columbus Day, a bank/mail holiday.

At a bag of carrots last night. It was a 1 lb bag of baby carrots, already peeled. I have to remember not to do that again -- it had ramifications this morning! Then had lasagna for lunch and tonight I'm going to a Meetup at Family Pancake House. Hope that's good.

Long Term Care Insurance

Just spoke to someone about long term care insurance. She's going to look at a few companies and see what she can do for me. She said it's not going to be easy with type 1 diabetes. She is also going to connect me to somebody who handles health insurance. I am sick and tired of having lousy health insurance. I was reading a publication about long term care insurance, and the premiums can be tax deductible if you get the right kind (there are two types).

A New Day

Tuesday. Third day on the patch and smoke-free. So far, so good. It sure is easier to use a crutch (like a patch) than to go cold-turkey, whew! Still feel like lighting up sometimes, more so in the afternoon/evening than in the morning, which I think is an artifact of the potency of the patch declining over its 24 hour effectiveness period. I sure do hope Camille gives this a try.

I have yet to increase my exercise level, although I've been walking the dog a bit more. It's not enough, though. I really should be wandering over to the exercise room and using the treadmill, then relaxing in the hot tub for a while after. And I should take my bike and get the tires pumped up and actually use the Sammamish Trail in back of my apartment. Getting out would be great for my health all-around, since I'd get the benefit of being out in the sun (there is sun even when it's cloudy). Might begin to break out the light box again.

Medication Refill Time

It's coming up on time to get those basic things refilled -- insulin ($45 copay per month), test strips (no copay), and (for the dog) Tacrolimus. What a hassle. It feels like a big waste of money. Can't even deduct it from my taxes because I can't itemize this year. And all the expenses for the pets -- sure would be a boon to be able to deduct all their medical bills and prescriptions! It's all a big rip-off. Still need to call the endocrinologist's office to see if they've got the flu shots in. I really don't want to go by one of the drug stores and pay their outrageous costs.

Ordering in...

It's been a long time since I ordered delivery. Did it online -- what a pleasure, not having to deal with people who don't understand what you're saying and then not being able to hear them because of all the noise in the background. Ordered lasagna and wings. I'm going to eat the wings tonight and put the lasagna in the fridge for tomorrow. Wow am I hungry.